English Teatime

English Teatime By Erik Pierro The story of a liar, named Skittiwinks It sips, there, of the drinks. It sits, there, as it thinks. It stares, some time, and blinks. Deeper and deeper it sinks. "It be cold, today... rained, yesterday. Good day for a stroll, methinks... but there's this boot, see; found it 'bout three weeks ere. Funny thing is, right, it's always askin' me to stop walkin' on it. Me mums says to me, she says, 'Hey! Hullo! Take off 'at stinkin' boot!' she says. An' so, naturally, I go like I'm here 'bout to take it off, see... and just as I'm reaching for the laces, I remember just one thing happened, yeah? This boot, it starts telling me 'bout all the places it been. And, then, I'm sittin' there listening to it's stories, for a bit, until I tell me mums, 'Hey! Do you know I quite like 'is boot, mum. I reckon I'm gonna' keep it! Fix us up some tea?' I says." The brisk, Autumn gale roars: tossing crispy maple leaf carcasses and other sheddings and weepings through the gray, boring space. Mums hugs a blanket. It sips; the cup persistently rattling, in the saucer, in gnarled hands. The wind rages on... the only rage in the setting, ever. It blinks. "So, this boot, right - it says to me, it says, 'Hey! Don't take me off, yeah? You take me off and you'll be right sorry, mate!' And, so, I says to it, like, alright, you know, and carry on, or something to this effect... an' finally, it goes and tells me all about it's trip to New England. So, I'm thinkin' to meself, at this point, like, 'Hey! This boot is alright; keeping up with the times and everything... 'cept England just ain't all that new... but I haven't the heart to tell the poor little bugger.' And, so, it keeps talkin', see, and me and me mums just sit an' listen." Mums smiles, with crooked haggard teeth. It's lips are thin and old. Obviously, not lips made for talking. Lips not made for much. It's seen too many birthdays; too many lousy stories to tell. It licks the lips; it licks the lips. A single hair sprouts from the center of Mum's head. It licks the lips; it licks the lips. To Skittiwinks, it blinks. "So, this boot, it goes and tells me all about this guy it met in New England. This guy wore it out just talkin' about his bills - didn't even have to put the thing on, mind you! The boot, at that point, starts gettin' right flustered-like... I suppose thinkin' about 'is own bills. Anyway, it works itself up so much that it winds up talkin' itself into a proper rut. It says to itself, like, 'Hey!' it says, like... 'Hey! ... This looks like the end of the rainbow, see... where's me fucking pot of gold?' right; and that's when it realized that the story about the end of the rainbow's a lie, yeah? "So, when it tells me all this, I says to the bugger, 'Well, it's just like a metaphor, see... it's somethin' to say like... Hey! Hey, don't hold your breath, mate!' "Then, it says that I should win an award for being the most brilliant chap in the world over... Now that's an interestin' story. I once won an award for the best cup of tea. That's just how I found this boot, see? Well, sort of got somethin' to do with it. I guess. Maybe... yeah right, sure! "It goes like this: After I won me award, me an' a couple blokes gone fishin', yeah? So, we was fishin' in this pond we found, in the middle of fucking nowhere, when me mate here catches his line on somethin' and pulls in this girl all in the buff, see, with some rusty..." it chuckles for a moment, then continues with a wide grin, "... Okay, okay. This girl had a big fucking rusty sword, yeah? And this nice new boot was on 'er foot... like the only fucking thing on her. So, he says like, 'Hey! Hullo! You likely could 'ave fucking drowned out here and some lad would likely come an' 'ave 'is way with you... so, I quite reckon I saved you a lot of trouble. You owe me, ma'am!' "She tried to give me mate that dingy ol' sword but we looked at it quite a moment and laughed. I think back, now, and I feel like we was all thinking the same thing, like, 'What the bloody 'ell are we gonna' do with that sword, in this day and age - picture that!' So, we asked about the boot and she said it wasn't hers and slipped her foot in it in the water there, quite by chance coincidence, yeah? So, she said we could 'ave it. "Now, at first, it seemed like some shabby ol' boot and so, naturally, the bloke tried to 'ave 'is way with the girl but me and the other fellow are real gents, quite right, you see, and we told him to lay off her or he'll get real sorry-like. So, we argued a bit - we don't talk no more, now, of course; nobody's seen the bloke, since." There is a stillness, all around. It blinks. It looks from side to side, then sips the steaming cup of tea. It burns it's lips a bit. Moments roll on, as if each second is the square of Pi, multiplied by some other ridiculous number that is difficult to imagine. It draws a breath, as if it just realized the solution to that equation. It sighs, lightly. It is a liar; a rogue named Skittiwinks. It blinks. "Anyway, I take the boot, long story short. I showed it to this book-keep at the library - real scholarly type, yeah? Cus' I thought somethin' was real odd about the way it kept talking to me. He tells me two things, right: firstly, that it's had an old lady living in it. I tell him, like, look 'ere, she was quite a young lass, with a sword, swimming around in the pond all in the buff, see - and as crazy as that sounds, he believed every word of it and said it was some special sword or something. I told him, like, 'Hey! Hullo! I don't right care about some rusty old sword, bloke! Don't go giving me no trouble, else I'll rough ya' up, see? I came about this fucking boot, right?' "So, the old sport looks at it, scared and all cus' he was intimidated or something, and shines it up a bit, like a good chap, and starts talking. He tells me it's a magic boot. Something about wanderlust or something wonderbust or something magic sounding-like, right? You get the idea." It rubs and shines the boot. Proud all of it's new-found loot. The boot, it is shiny. Skittiwinks, limey! It's doing something... but says nothing. "After that, he tells me not to put it on cus' the only way to get it off's for someone to ask if they can have it. But I said that I quite like it, anyhow, so I go ahead and I puts it on me foot. Still kinda' wet, at that point, but I figured it'd dry. Funny thing is, soon as me puts it on, I started wanting to go all over the place, walkin-like, or whatever. Guess it was kind of like walkabout but a bit different, you see? Come to think of it, I can't really explain it in a way you'd really right understand proper. "Anyway, before I knew it, I was all the way across the ocean, some place I never been, before. It was some island, in the middle of fucking nowhere, with this tall-like tree in the middle of it as wide as a city, right? Strangest thing... there was people coming in and out of it. So, naturally, I went right up and grabbed hold of a bloke and said, like, 'Hey! Hullo! Is that it? You think you can go about your business without tellin' me right and proper where I am, do you?' and he nearly shit 'is pants, see? So, I told him to bugger off and I went inside. "Strangest looking folk I ever seen, mind you... but I went right up to their king and said to him, I says, 'I'm lost,' and I asked the old bugger 'ow to get to England - not the new one but the old one. When I asked him, he seen the boot and says it's a magic boot - same story that bloke at the library says to me. So, he said if I find this rock, or whatever it was, for him that he'd give me this magic string that'd help me get to England. 'Course he called it in-land, 'cause 'e must 'ave never heard of it. But that magic string turned out to be this here boot-lace and it doesn't look too magic, to me, and I been told I'm a sharp bloke and all, see? "But, anyway, he had me all worked up and armed with this crummy ol' knife, then told me to go to this cave, yeah? This cave, where this rock was supposed to be. Well, I didn't think it no trouble, being a true gent and all, so I stuck out me chest and marched on. "Took me all day to find the fucking place, see, and when I got there I seen this giant bunch of flowers-like, with all these real little blokes all around it. When I says to them, 'Hey!' they all turn on me with these odd looking faces and sharp teeth. "You ever seen a shark's teeth? That's what they looked like. Real sharp and the like. "So, I fought 'em off and it turns out those flowers were being held prisoner, like against they will, yeah? And they wasn't flowers at all, see - just an odd kinda' folk that look like flowers. So, I saved them and they showed me a map to the rock cave by drawing it in the dirt with like a stick, or some other rubbish, yeah? "Soon enough, I went down into this hellhole and came across this small group of these shark-tooth buggers and killed 'em all. There was this locked door, see, and I found a key on their boss, or whatever, and I was in this room with that rock. "Strange enough, when I looked in the rock, I could see meself sitting around, with this boot on me foot, next to me mums, drinkin' fucking tea! "But enough of that, yeah? I took the rock to the king and he told me to use this string and lace up the boot like this, right here. He said it's a magic boot that takes you anywhere you wanna' go but unless you lace it up with this magic string, it has a habit of wandering back to the world it was created in, I guess. So, I laced it up and came back home. "Come to find out, that king was an evil ruler of them shark-teeth buggers, or something to that effect. Wanted to take over some country or something like that, I don't rightly remember... I could go back - help those flower people and all; could go anywhere I want, in fact. That's why I'm right here, with me mums. "Turns out that rock reads what's in your heart. That's actually how I found out about that king. He wanted to break it, so I gave him a fake." It blinks. It is silent and tired. A small cottage, beneath a rotten dale. A wretched little hole.

"Quite a story behind this 'ere boot. I quite like it but you can 'ave it. I still have this rock... I'm right where I want to be. I have got me rock, me mums, and me tea. Yes, sir: all I need." It sips, there, of the drinks... and blinks. It is that liar named Skittiwinks. "Isn't that right, mum?" Mums looks at Skittiwinks, with tired and old eyes, and simply says, "More tea?" The End

This is a story that I wrote, years ago, and would like to share with everyone, for free. I maintain copyrights for it, though I would be more than happy to let you all share it FREE with your friends, so long as you credit me in full for the art and writing. I DO NOT grant permission to reprint or sell these works. I also would like to warn you that there is some explicit language in this story. That being said, enjoy the story!